I am not going to lie. This blog post idea came to me really fast, and I figured I better write it down now while I have the courage and it’s clear in my mind.
Confronting my sin is not easy – I don’t believe anyone has an easy time facing their negative qualities of themselves, but this is something that I feel like I need to share. Maybe it will help you. Perhaps you can relate. Perhaps I am alone. No matter, here I go . . .
While I was writing my book, I was spirit-led. I was filled with the Holy Spirit – I was constantly in the Word and felt so close to God. I was on fire for the Lord!
Then the book was published.
A few months after it was published, I had some big spiritual attacks and doubted myself so much. I have felt so negative and down about who I am and became very open to Satan’s attacks.
I wasn’t in the Word.
Instead, I was following very “loud” Christians on social media that were altering my perspective and thus made me very critical and loud as well. Looking back, I probably came off very “high and mighty.” Not always, but in some situations and conversations, I can see that now.
Suddenly, I became so aware of every little sin I was doing and others that I became so negative and critical.
My spark was gone.
My smile was fake.
I felt depressed, critical, sad, angry, and nothing like the person who wrote about how God had remarkably worked in her life.
I felt like a fraud.
Fast forward to today . . . in my BSF study, one of the first question boxes out the gate was, “David ended Psalm 19 with a prayer for his life. Write down your prayer for this year.”
Without hesitation, I started writing and didn’t even think. I just wrote. In my prayer, part of my writing was ‘humble me.’ After I wrote that, I paused and instantly regretted it because I knew in my heart that I didn’t really want to see what God had in store for humbling me.
Shortly after that, I was faced with a sin that needed to be called out, though it was hard to hear. I had admitted and saw it in me, but when someone else lovingly says it, oomph. It’s hard. It’s humbling.
I am still a work in progress, but I am starting to see the light again. I pulled away from God and others. I withdrew.
I was pulling away from God, but God was still there, waiting for me to return to Him. And I am. I am not where I once was, but I am slowly climbing out of the valley and headed for the mountain tops.
I am still being refined by my Master Potter Himself.
“Sometimes we’re on the potter’s wheel and we know why. Other times we are on the potter’s wheel and we don’t know why. As far as we can tell, we’re doing everything we can to serve God and to do His will. But then, without any warning or explanation, we feel the pressure of the potter’s hand as He is remolding and remaking us.”https://pastorterryblog.wordpress.com/2015/10/11/sunday-sermon-the-potter-and-the-clay/
In those humbling moments, I remind myself that the Potter is still working the clay. “Perhaps it is in those moments of brokenness that the Potter is able to gently fashion the vessel into something beautiful for His glory.”
I am still being transformed and continue to grow. I know I have much refining to do, and the Potter has a way to go with me! 😉 One thing plaguing me the last couple of weeks was doubting who I am. I kept questioning my personality, how I interact, and how I do everything – and then it became instantly clear. I am focusing so much on ME and less on HIM. I was critical of myself and very negative and then realized that, yes, some change needs to occur, but it is not all about me. When I turn my eyes to God, everything changes. It is about Him.
So that is where I am. I am a child of God and looking to Him, and I am still being refined and have much growing to do.
Anyway, I hope this openness and vulnerability helps you or someone else. I pray that those I have hurt or been too harsh or rubbed the wrong way – that you forgive me and know that I am still a work in progress and will be until God calls me home. I feel much like Christian in Pilgrim’s Progress, and even though I slip and fail, by His grace, His work does not depend on my invincibility.
In this past lesson of BSF, this note stood out to me:
“Satan aims his attacks on believers at specific times and points of vulnerability. Our enemy flings accusations at us with precise cruelty, but he cannot steal the permanent shelter given to us by our God Most High.”
I need God.
We need God.
He is sufficient.
Take me, mold me, use me, fill me I give my life to the Potter’s hand Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me I give my life to the Potter’s hand (Darlene Zschech)